I slalom throughout time,
till I stop at vantage points
of each remembered 'now'.
I salvage scorched images
as their embers flame
and burn each new reality
into the time-line of my life.
A Bug's Eye View has us following a strange route today to buy our tickets for the Poetry Bus! Let's hope she knows how to drive in a straight line, though! LOL
I'm having second thoughts on this one , so have decided to add the first draft of my idea, and then ask readers for their thoughts... This is what I wrote originally:-
“I am a crooked line. I swerve through time like a slalom, till my mind stops at a vantage point for the NOW I choose to remember. An ember flames and burns a new reality into the time line of my life. It scorches images which can be realigned, in straight or crooked lines.”
Then my Poetry Guru suggested using slalom as a verb, which I agree made more sense, as did his dispensing with 'my mind' by simply saying 'I', for who is 'my mind, if not 'I' ? Once more I thank him for his clear sighted thinking!
And I've tucked this into The Poetry Pantry, as well...
Your language flows beautifully.
ReplyDeleteStopping to recollect is a wonderful way to move forward, however jagged the journey.
ReplyDeleteCJ xx
whew love those last 2 lines jinksy...nice play on the life line time line...
ReplyDeleteI love the ending of the original! (- not that I don't appreciate your chosen piece) it just sings
ReplyDeletemore to me. Thanks!
Izzy, I think you and I sing in harmony!
ReplyDeleteJeap I'm with Izzy, loved the ending of the original, but then it weaved into something else equally great. They say you should always keep your first drafts, as it is in them that the core remains! Who knows!
ReplyDeleteWell just to be awkward, I prefer the second version. Its kind of like branding cattle. I slalom through time is better than I swerve through time like a slalom and I'm not sure about 'realigned' either. The top one flows much better, I think.
ReplyDeleteEverything you write is a joy ... I actually prefer the original version. I think it's the last line that does it for me.
ReplyDeleteI kind of like your original best - mostly because I love the concept of a NOW I choose to remember. That's just how we're wired, whether we like it or not - all memories are chosen & changed to fit who we are now.
ReplyDeleteJinksy, I liked your slaloming through life, more powerful as a verb than a simile. My thought about first and second drafts is that your second is cleaner, plainer, stronger for what you've carved out of it. I might just be drawn to more direct speech. Good editing, J.
ReplyDeleteBrilliant, great idea with the slalom and all the new realities burnt in through the time line.
ReplyDeleteNice one(s) Jinksler!
ReplyDeletelove it,
ReplyDeleteI did a zig zg poem for z word challenge .
fun.
Awards for you, thanks for the support!
ReplyDeleteBless your talent. Please join Poetry Potluck W31 today!
Happy Sunday!
Xox