Warm-touch fire shadows flame
in eternal light.
No spider could ever weave
a tomb to endure so long.
120 Socks, driver of the Poetry Bus for 21st February, suggested the word 'Amber' for aspiring Ticket Holders, and I wrote this Tanka - a poetic form using 5-7-5-7-7 syllables in its five short lines.
The last line started life as "a web which would last so long." Then I changed it to 'a web of such brilliance', as it was the eternal light-flames that I had in my mind.
But my dear mentor suggested the above amendment, 'a tomb to endure so long', as it re-inforces the 'tomb' aspect of amber for the spider, as well as web for a fly! I can see his point, and thank him for the idea and the words with which he expressed it. If we change our collective mind again, there will be further edits!
Love it, and the closing two lines brilliant!
ReplyDeleteI wonder if you could find a piece of web immersed in the amber- love your piece, thanks!
ReplyDeleteYour tanka and photo are the perfect match ...
ReplyDeleteI love your tanka -- and the photo.
ReplyDeleteYes, the tomb works very well. Love the fluidity of that second line.
ReplyDeleteThat's just lovely Jinksy!
ReplyDeleteWonderfully done, and thanks for sharing the process of getting there. I think tomb was the right way to go.
ReplyDeleteTell us who he is! He thinks poetic. I like your straightforward interpretation of the theme.
ReplyDeleteYesterday I stopped at my favorite rock shop, appropriately named The Rock Shop, just to touch the amber. There is an organic warmth - both in color and touch to those smooth little tombs. Well said! (I came home with a pretty piece of plated yellow quartz and a pebble of obsidian from Mt. St. Helen.)
ReplyDeleteAnd the amber warmth glows on...
ReplyDelete